June 21, 2012

Heirloom Comedy

from Zondervon Press!  

       The Biblioholic's Bible!

You've seen the bible for teens, the bible for car mechanics, the bible for pre-menopausal women. And now at last... the bible for compulsive book buyers!

Excerpts:
"And if you lost a book - would you not leave the 99 in search of the lost one?"

*

"What does it profit a man to gain the entire Library of Congress but lose his immortal soul?"

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And then Simon Peter began to read to the soldier from the latest Dan Brown novel. But Jesus said, "Those who live by the mediocre novel, shall die by the mediocre novel." And so Peter put the book down and Jesus healed the soldier, removing the abomination from his memory

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....and he spent all his inheritance on cheap magazines and dissolute books. One day, while reading an Andrew Greeley novel, he thought to himself: "Even the servants of my father's house enjoy better reading material. I will go back and ask his forgiveness."

And before he was home his father walked to him, hugged him, and gave him a Faulkner first edition. His brother became jealous. "You've never given me a Faulkner first edition!" And his father said, "You are always with me, and all my books are yours."

*

It happened that there was a great book festival in Cana. But soon all the good books were sold. Mary said to Jesus, "They've no more books!" and Jesus said, "What concern is that of mine? My hour has not come." But his mother said to the festival organizer, "do whatever he tells you." And Jesus had them bring reams of blank paper. When the organizer looked, the paper was beautifully bound into books of surpassing quality. One man exclaimed, "Usually this late in festivals only the overstocks are left, but you have saved the best for last."

*
Jonah spent three days in the belly of a whale, and it was so dark he couldn't even read.

2 comments:

Ellyn said...

If Jonah only had one of those lit tablets....those three days would have flown by!

TS said...

Ha, yeah, it would make getting swallowed by a whale a "feature, not a bug".